7 Weeks

7 week ultrasound at left. My rendition at right to assist your visualization. Click for larger image.

Okay so it seems like all my blogs are about to become baby blogs, but this is only because these last two doctor appointments were so close together. Otherwise, nothing else interesting is happening in my non-photography life right now except the upcoming Florida trip next week, about which I am super stoked. I may blog about it. So!

Baby "Birloy" Kar is now the size of a blueberry, and currently has stumpier limbs than the figure in my rendition above. The term "birloy", coined by Missy (circa 1997), mixes boy/girl into one word to describe a being whose gender is yet unknown. She came up with this when she and I used to sarcastically make fun of and engage in hilarious play episodes with Beth and her Barbie dolls. The image I inserted above of the little blonde baby doll is what our "birloy" of Barbiedom looked like, although it had light brown hair instead.

Our baby is technically female currently. Gender will not be determined until about week 20, after which we will have to wean ourselves off of calling her a "birloy", which is anyway quite catchy, I must say.

Whoa, Baby!

Yes, friends, you are looking at the first ever image captured of Baby Kar to-be. Some of you already know this news, but haven't yet seen this image. This ultrasound was taken at 5 weeks into development. I had no idea I could see so much at this stage! It's pretty amazing. After a collection of cells, the beginning of human life is the heartbeat, not the brain. Philosophy for thought!

I tried staving off my news until the 12 week mark when the possibility of early miscarriage minimizes, but I'm just praying this little guy or gal sticks it through. If she does, we'll be expecting a little Kar in mid-December.

And so, to list this event as a "project" for my blog, I'll have to say it's the greatest, most challenging project I'll ever be presented with in my life, and a lifelong one at that. I'm already thinking ahead to teaching my child the ways of the world, how to be imaginative, how to care for others, how to build cardboard forts and how to plan mini adventures.

In some ways I still don't feel old enough to be a parent. However, I'm realizing a productive means for my lingering childishness in relation to understanding the psyche of my own child. I actually remember why I threw temper tantrums as a kid. I remember what sparked emotions, and why I got frustrated when told what to do. So, remarkably, I can still relate if/when my kid acts up, and I can apply some creative parenting tactics.

Parenting 101: A! (hopefully). Thanks Dad for creating the imaginary Parenting 101 class. I have an "A" to aspire to!

Frame Timing Test

Here's a little pre St. Patrick's Day spirit for all a ya'lls. This test video is a series of quickly shot and edited still images placed head to head to create a jerky sense of stop-motion. I envision a more creatively choreographed version of this style for a "behind the scenes" ad video for Amkar Photography. It's in the works! Production is tentatively scheduled for spring and summer this year... hoping to be complete and publicized by the end of the year!

PS - there may be issues playing this video for some reason, probably copyright issue on the music I used. If it doesn't work after I publish this post, I'll try to go find some other music. If that also doesn't work, oh well! Wait for the final premiere!

An Order Of Muchness

Mad Hatter: [to Alice]
You're not the same as you were before. You were much more... "muchier". You've lost your "muchness".
Alice:
My "muchness"?
Mad Hatter: [Points to Alice's heart]
In there.

Sometimes worrying about what life may or may not have in store for me wears me out. Why do I worry so much? Why do I always live 3 weeks out from today? Where is my Today? And when will it get here?

I try to remind myself that what I have is good, and what I have going for me is good. What is "good"? You may think it's a comparison with what others have, but it actually is really quite relative. I think the real definition of a "good life" is living and loving exactly what I have, and not being influenced by what others may have, emotionally or physically, or which may be expected of me which I may yearn for. What I have is good. Even if I go throughout my life with only what I have currently (or less), I can be happy. It's a true thing. It only takes the correct psyche to realize and live by it.

A thing called longing screws up the picture of already existing goodness, and the Want for something one doesn't have comes in many forms: a job (or a better job), a nicer neighborhood, a perfected relationship, a child, more money, a nicer body, a means to retire, the latest technology... the list is endless. But it's only endless because we think we need these things. Well, some things are basic to proper functionality in this society, but once we obtain those things we're always looking for something more. I think American society molds us this way. *shaking fist* If I have good credit and I'm happy responsibly making payments with my credit card as I've always done, my credit card company is already scheduled to contact me for an upgrade and to entice me to spend more. This analogy applies to lots of stuff. And by stuff I mean static.

I have an announcement to make: I've decided to stop worrying! Yes! I know it's been a long time coming... ever since I heard about elephantitis in 3rd grade I've been worrying about future, rare, obscure or totally implausible scenarios, diseases or failures that may happen to me in life. Lucky for me, I somehow survived fairly successfully even with all that static in my head for 20 years.

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Start Loving The Bomb

And by "bomb" I mean my own worst enemy: Myself. I owe my decision to a light bulb God placed over my head. I simply want to keep happy with what I have and to continue my life with optimism, passion, ever-go-luckiness and adaptability to whatever may be thrown at me. These things I otherwise define as "muchness". Henceforth, if there are things I feel I need or want in order to complete my life, I shall know that if I do not receive them, God does not feel it is right for me. It doesn't mean I shall not try, but it also means there's a limit to trying, beyond which something may not be destined for me.

In the end, it is all about living and loving, and experiencing this world for what God has laid out for us. I feel pretty good about it.

Field of Springs

A sip from a creme de menthe mocha at my top favorite coffee house while gazing out at a continuously improving downtown Springfield, MO, the title of this blog instantly sprang to mind. It's true. This city is where I began as an adult. And also where I treasure my youthfulness. From higher education sprang forth confidence in career, motivation in art, fluidity from life choice to life choice.

Other than education, this place runs much deeper. Mudhouse was the very first coffee house I ever came to know. I socialized here with roommates, ruminated here about philosophy, art, dreams, quandaries, boys, cities, and even mindless banter that didn't mean anything at all but was hilarious because it was shared with hilarious friends. This is the coffee house by which I judge all other coffee houses. (And we all know how highly I regard coffee houses.)

This town was my exposure to dating, international people, Indian food, vintage clothing, cow tipping, and Christianity in its many forms. Here I had my first kiss, managed life with roommates, learned how to live with rambunctious felines, and found the closest bond I've ever known with my twin sister... the likes of which I'd never known prior, and never known since. We have hilarious novel-worthy stories, which may never occur for us again.

I am still making friends here. Offshoot friends' friends who've told me they wish they'd known me sooner when I was living here. I used to call this town "Springpatch" because it felt like it was out in the boonies, in rural country, where "big city" ideas aren't as well oiled. It's different to me now, and different developmentally as well. Downtown as been cleaned up really well. A lot of the antique junk shops are gone. A lot of artist studios, chic bistros and contemporary apartment complexes have moved in. Of all the downtowns I've seen, I would live in this one.

I visited this weekend hoping for a retreat to my nostalgic Springfield. I always find it. I drove by my old apartment on Elm, #8. Good memories... spying on the crazy frat house antics just down the street, a male friend posing as a romantic and climbing our balcony, dumping a mattress down said balcony when moving. I also drove by campus, but resisted the urge to go into the old photography dark room halls.

I could sit all day in this coffee house if they'd let me. It's good to just sit and reflect.

Color Space

Are we ready for some depthy, abstract conversation? Put on some gloves and roll up your sleeves. Let's dive.

As we sat admiring our Christmas tree, Anindeep and I had a curious conversation about color and perception. I posed the notion upon observation that our color changing Christmas lights only cast shadows on nearby objects when they were in a red/yellow phase, and that no shadow was cast when the lights were in a blue/indigo phase. This phenomenon reminded me of the ol' ROYGBIV spectrum we learned whereabouts grade 7, which comprises all the colors visible to the human eye. Too far "in the red" gives us infrared light, and too far beyond violet gives us ultraviolet light, both of which humans cannot perceive with the naked eye.

The inevitable Christmas couch time conversation came to this. What color would "new colors" be to us? How blown would be our minds to discover that we can perceive colors we've never seen before? It's so inconceivable, because all we know is currently based on our knowledge of ROYGBIV (or as my dad would say, "Crayola box of 8"). This is a wild connundrum to me, and it blows my mind whenever I think of it. I envision "new" colors to be like a puke gray/olive green for some reason, but I can only relate it and envision it based on what I know. In the furthest depths of my imagination, I might envision a "new" color as ALL colors, such as something that constantly flickers or changes, and as such one wouldn't be able to define precisely what color it is at any particular given time, and therefore its "new color" would be the flickering state, however you could define that.

We also discussed how color might be perceived differently by individuals. Who knows? And how can you prove it? I'm sure there's a biology and a science here that may undermine my next wonder... something to do with optical rods and cones in the retina. However, and regardless, what if red to me looks like blue to you? If I suddenly could jump in your head to see your perception, yet retain my own knowledge base of color, would my normal color lips look like they're purple or blue from your perception? Thereby you'd perceive me with purple lips and yellow skin as normal? Wild!

Another realm of color I find fascinating is Color Space. If you've ever utilized a graphics program such as Photoshop, you'll be familiar with this color palette. It's technically called "color space", a three dimensional diagram which represents the full range of known colors on an x,y,z axis:

The more red you get, the more positive the "a" factor; the more blue you get, the more negative the "b" factor. Likewise the more white you get, the more positive the "L" factor, and etc. What's also fascinating (as learned in the November issue of Professional Photographer magazine) is that this system was in development from the 1930s through the 1970s... way before Adobe Photoshop came into existence as we know it today... even way before the personal computer was personal. Interesting! In reality, we've been trying to figure out what Color is since the 1800s, which is when scientists discovered and labeled the primary colors as such (red/yellow/blue).

Analyzing color space, my new notion is that there are no new (humanly perceptible) colors in the world, but it is Time and the evolution of design which brings forth "new to us" colors for us to get excited about. Consider the 1950s' pastel and chrome color schemes, or the earthtones and avocado greens of 1970s contemporary design. Colors and designs are always changing, and technologies to access and recreate those colors are ever changing too. Since when did grey and white come to be stylish non-colors? Since Apple products. Also, have you noticed that there are new blues available now in Christmas lights? What! In recent years I've seen them in holiday displays, and the luminosity of those blues is striking! I almost can't believe those colors are existing before my eyes, and I can't figure how I am able to perceive them. Maybe they are bordering on ultraviolet spectrums.

Aside from design, color is a science I'm intrigued to learn more about. With color space, I have every color in the humanly visible spectrum at my fingertips to play around with. What about the humanly invisible spectrum? How many more colors are there in the world? Do they go beyond infrared and ultraviolet? Is there supergreen or phenomenyellow? How do we see those?

Wow! My mind just blew up again.

Optimum Creative Drive Mode

5:35 a.m.

I dreamed about something fantastic and romantic that struck my mind artistically. I thought of writing about it, creating a story around it. I thought of photographing something like it. Image compositing. Large format prints. People, places, faces, angles. I want to make a movie. Scriptwriting, storyboarding, production, direction, sound... A book? I could publish something.

5:40 a.m.

By biggest creative kick of the day comes to me within about 5 minutes post-dreaming and pre-waking in the morning. My brain is the most active, carrying over energetic synapses from dream states. It's literally the "eye" of brainstorming.

Since I quit working for "The Man", i.e. "corporatude", my brain just exploded with an overwhelming burst of creativity and project ideas. Amazing, once my mind grasps the "time for creative freedom" concept and totally runs free and rampant with it. I have too many ideas for my own good now. Business ideas, personal ideas, cooking ideas, relationship ideas, story ideas, holiday ideas, fashion ideas, spiritual ideas... Anyone need some ideas? I got some.

Would we all be like this if we all quit our day jobs knowing we needn't stress over finding another one? I've always felt that God's desire was for each of us to be infinitely creative beings. Does adhering to society, working for corporations, working under someone else's agenda stifle our true and free Godlike nature? Does order repress disorder? Does disorder breed innovation? That's a quandary I'll think about as I consider "School of Athens" hanging in my hallway.

I don't even know where to start on these projects I have in mind. The past few days have been business as usual (discount the fainting spell) as I plot timelines for longer term creative projects. I'm planning to produce a video to interpret my brand in photography. I'm also tentatively planning a longer term project to create and publish a "look book" of sorts, about creative posing for photography. It'd be something of a reference book for budding photogs learning how to manage people and compositional shapes with posing structures. Both projects will require a lot of research and brainstorming.

First and foremost OCD: I can't start any projects until this place is spotless and organized just how it needs to be for Optimum Creative Agent Handling. I was organizing my desk drawer junk and stumbled upon a box of brass fasteners (used for binding screenplay pages). Oh! Nostalgic thing! I bought this in college when I was writing a screenplay which I had submitted to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (the one I hadn't copyrighted, and then Mel Gibson's similar story film came out (Apocalypto) and I figured he stole my idea, hmpf). Anyway, inside the box is a quad-folded note upon which I had written the margin sizes and industry standard format parameters for writing a screenplay.

I miss screenwriting. There was my ultimate joy in conjuring fantasies and creating worlds with characters and themes close to my heart.

INT. OFFICE, NOON

Amanda pinches a brass fastener, rolling it between two fingers. The amorphous image of her own features shine in the fastener's head as she loses herself in thought.

AMANDA (V.O.)
This box of fasteners is full.
I should have written more screenplays.
Where's my noir dialogue?
(sighs and laughs, but mostly sighs)

...

Ok, lost in thought, back on topic. I've been like that all day! I feel like a kid in a candy shop of ideas, smattered with other regular business things to tend to. However, I feel I have a good handle on when to get lost in creativity and when to get other things done, and when to spend time with my husband. This regime still has yet to be put into action when a full blown project gets under way. I feel that I'll be able to manage it swimmingly.

"Here's looking at you, kid."